I've been really struggling for a topic to write about that fits well with May Be, our monthly theme and the goals of my thoughts day posts. If I want to be authentic, then there really is only one topic that I can write about that fits these criteria perfectly. So then, here goes possibly one of the most painful articles I've ever written on this blog to date.
Generally speaking, I tend to keep my personal life to myself, you may get the odd bit of information in my letters to life but outside of that, I pretty much keep things to myself. I'm like that in person too, you are far more likely to hear about something that happened years ago, rather than something that is happening now if I do share anything about myself at all. It's a bad habit, I'm working on it.
As a part of the intention of working on this fault in my personality, and the fact that my last post was about facing fears, I am going to kill two birds with one stone, actually, can we just stun the birds? I don't want to kill them..anyway back on point. This post is going to require a little vulnerability on my part, that scares me.
So then, with all that said the let's get on with it.
Broken relationships can be really painful. Be it friendship, relationship, business partners or estranged family relationship, none of it is easy. I've definitely experienced more than a fair few broken relationships in my young life and along the way I learnt some lessons that are worth recording, I hope this helps someone but honestly, my main reason for writing this is because I know how forgetful I am at times and I do read my own old posts, so this is written for mainly my benefit.
Welcome To My Journal.
Recently, I lost a close friend that had been a big part of my life for nearly a decade. The reasons really don't matter, I don't think this person would appreciate me writing them on my blog, but bottom line there were two main reasons for the end of this friendship, people change (or don't) and a lack of wisdom on my part.
Here are the lessons I've learnt from this experience.
When people know us well enough to become close friends, they get to see the good the bad and the ugly. Unfortunately, if we are not careful, the ugly can take over the good and completely ruin the foundations of trust in a friendship, and once that's gone the friendship is pretty much over.
Don't drag it out, if a friendship or relationship is clearly going to crash and burn, let it happen sooner rather than later and if possible do it quietly, without too much drama. There's a reason some people choose to use the slow fade when a friendship isn't working out anymore but in most cases the longer it drags on the more painful it is when the said relationship is finally over.
It's great when relationships can be reconciled, but it's not always possible, so if a relationship is pretty much over remember dead things stink, don't keep them around.
Hanging on to something dead will only cause bad fruit in your life.
Flies like rotting fruit, you're not a fly, let it go.
I learnt these lessons the hard way, I didn't let go even after the trust was gone, I did drag it out and that did make it hurt more.
There are already some really awesome articles on dealing with losing relationship on the Internet, but nevertheless, here are my tips for moving on after a relationship/friendship is over.
Remember that everyone is different, some people will want to cry it out and never talk to the person again, others will feel the need for closure and end up talking too much because they don't quite know how to handle the pain. Losing a relationship can feel like the person is dead, but it's the relationship that is dead not the person. It's fine to mourn the loss of a relationship, but try to remember the other person is still alive and deserves to be treated with respect. This includes giving them time to get over the loss of the relationship too, they may grieve it differently to you, they may need more time then you do. Alternatively, they may actually just not care anymore. They may choose to give you the silent treatment and you may never hear from them again, but that is completely their call, and it's not fair to expect them to respond if they wish to remain silent. Let them be. It may be possible to have closure at some point in the future, but don't bank on it, carry on with your life regardless. Don't settle in grief-land for too long that never ends well.
It can be the most awkward thing in the world when one person wants to talk and have closure to walk away from a relationship peacefully but the other just wants to get on with their lives and never speak again. It means that for the one that wants to talk about it, they are denied a proper end of the chapter, and so they are more likely to find it harder to move on. In my opinion, this is cruel, but if you do find yourself in this situation, the only thing you can really do is take it as taking one last bullet for someone who once meant a lot to you. It's not an easy thing to bear, to know that you have no hope of closure, but remember all the good qualities and memories about that person and it will make it easier not to resent them for putting you through the screaming silence. Time is a healer, and although this burden may never fully be forgotten ( unless you hand it over to the one that is good with carrying burdens) it will fade in time. I know this because years ago, someone did this to me and I'm still dealing with the fall out of that, and now it seems to be happening again, I'm just glad this time I'm prepared.
This time, I can see it from the other person's viewpoint, everyone reacts differently to the end of a friendship/relationship and everyone chooses the path that is easiest for them to cope with any given situation, so there is no blame or lack of forgiveness in me this time, even though I am more than well aware that time ( and it's creator) is going to have to be the healer on this one, and I may have to grieve for a little while but I can also take the lessons this experience taught me and see this as growing pains.
Don't grieve in silence, even if you don't want to talk to the person that you're no longer friends with. it may seem like the most obvious thing to do, but for some of us we need the reminder, our family and friends are still there for us, and surely at least one of them would be more than happy to help you get through your loss. It's much easier to move on when you don't have to carry the burden alone. Please don't make my mistake and try to handle it by yourself, it will bring out the worse in you. Failing that there are support groups out there such as The Experience Project that is more than happy to listen and let you lean on them.
Focus on the things you still have in your life that you love. I may have lost a close friend, but I still have an amazing family, boyfriend and friends around me. Losing one person is not the end of the world, although at the time depending on how close you were it may well feel like it's the end of your world. Remember the lessons from losing this friend/relationship, and learn to guard your heart in future, that by far is the most important thing you need to do. Don't put anyone on a pedestal, people will let you down.
Remember that just as suddenly as you lost this relationship, you may find another around the corner. In the meantime, take care of the people in your life you still have. Especially those of you that have neglected current friendships for the sake of spending time with a significant other. Having such a person in your life shouldn't automatically mean you forget your friends and friendships that are not nurtured don't grow, they die. It's perfectly okay to grieve, but don't let that grief overtake your life. Life goes on and so should you.
I think that's about it for this one.
I know this was a little bit of a different style of article, but it just felt right for this season.
Anyway until next time take care,
see you next post,