Disclaimer - PLEASE NOTE POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING : DEPRESSION,SELF HARM, EATING DISORDERS &, FLASHBACKS, SEXUAL ABUSE - These things are mentioned not explained in much detail)
I can't run a back to basics series without first explaining why I even have this site or do what I do.
I am going to share my testimony with you.
These days when asked my story I tend to word it along the lines of Jesus gave me beauty for ashes, I was broken little girl, but Jesus found me and led me through a very painful, sometimes messy healing journey and now because of Him I am a confident, strong woman with a heart for God and a heart for people and my mission in life is to teach God's broken daughters how to fly again.
Going A Little Deeper... ( Please Note I mention potential triggers : Sexual Abuse, Depression, Self Harm & Eating Disorders in this portion of this post)
I was brought up as a Christian, my first word was hallelujah ( no seriously it was, I still can't spell it though) so I guess you could say I was always destined to be a Christian. My parents gave both my brother and myself the choice of faith, because they believed that for faith to be real it must be chosen not forced. I completely agree with this. I gave my heart to Jesus Christ at 3 years old of my own free will, but it wasn't until I was 15 that my faith really became my own, before this I believed, and had even had some experiences, but I had not been tested and until that test came, I didn't really know what real faith is.
That test came in the form of getting sexually abused and severely bullied at school, which led me on a very dark path of depression, eating disorders and extreme pain. I was a mess, I knew Jesus, but you can still know Jesus and be angry at God at the same time, and at this point that is exactly where I was. I had to learn to forgive, let go of the pain and move on with my life, all this was part of the healing journey process, but the reason that this post is even getting written is because there is one more element to the healing journey that needs to take place for me, many years after the fact.
You get to the point when you have been healed and set free where you just don't want to associate with your story anymore, but part of being truly healed means embracing your story, because it is only when you own your story and it doesn't hurt anymore, that you can give it over to God to use as He chooses to do so. Often times God will not lead His children to share publicly the struggles and very real pain they have encountered, Indeed in most cases it is not wise to do so, but occasionally He does ask and this is purely because there is power in our testimony, but even then we must seek the Holy Spirit for wisdom and the right words, I can assure you I have done this and will continue to do so until this post is finished.
Yes as I sit here today, I am a woman who has been broken to the very core, abused in different forms and some of this abuse was self-inflicted. I have known the darkest of depressions and walked some very rocky ground, but I am also a woman who has been healed from the inside out, set free and able to write this with no pain at all. Even as the flashbacks pop up as I am typing they don't hurt and that is because when Jesus heals us, He doesn't just heal the pain of the event, He makes us whole and this includes healing the memory of the event also. Where pain once sat, I now have a very grateful and contented heart.
I shared recently that I got discriminated in a professional setting because of what I have been through, some people won't understand, and to some, people who have/do suffer with mental health issues or have encountered are scary, there is a reason that the stigma surrounding mental health issues, unfortunately it is very much the case of the minority running for the majority. The majority of mental health suffers, have a story of real pain and do not want to burden anyone with themselves, as they see themselves in a very low opinion because of what they have. It is called suffering with mental health issues for a reason too. These people are not monsters, they just want the same as everyone else alive, to be loved, to belong and to feel like they matter, because deep down some part of them knows they do, because we all do.
I won't ever stop fighting for this cause, because Jesus cares about everyone's suffering regardless of it is seen or not.
Jesus Christ is the good shepherd and His love for His sheep led Him to the Cross.
How can I not say thank you and give Him permission to use my story? If this helps one person, it's worth all the rubbish I know I am likely to get for being so open. If you're thinking of going public about mental illness read this first.
I don't care though. I rather stand for something and there are no greater causes then those that Jesus cares about.
So there you go, a little of my testimony. Now I can get on to what I wanted to cover in this post.
The Point Of The Post
You see, all woman have one thing that plagues us, it is often the reason we paint out faces, wear certain clothes and become almost unrecognizable to fit in. Even within the church, as sincere as we desire to be there often times is that small nagging voice in the back of our heads that urges us to hold back. That little voice, belongs to a creature that doesn't care about race, culture or where you have been or where you are going, it makes all woman feel that sense of not being good enough, as if we are thirteen again and completely unsure of ourselves. I think the reason thirteen is such a tough age for most girls is because it's the first big transition a young woman will go through, as they say the first cut is almost always the deepest. I like to call this little creature with that annoying nagging little voice the worm called insecurity, because that little worm seems to know how to wiggle its way into just about any situation.
I can feel really confident in a certain dress, but if I can't get it to sit right with the rest of my outfit, then I am going to go change into something else, unfortunately I am one of those woman who has plenty of clothes but can still be found really upset because I think I have nothing to wear. It's madness, but that little worm had most likely been commenting in my head on how ridiculous I look or the shade not matching my eyes or something equally stupid, and as usual I will have gone back into my insecure 13-year-old shell and decided to change. I am getting better with this now, since identifying it but still, like many other woman I struggle with insecurities. I know men struggle with their own insecurities too, but woman, because so much of what our world is about is to do with how things look and it's all in the details I think it's a little more intensified for us, especially since that worm shuvs his head in our face and refuses to be ignored until we dismiss each of his statements about us one by one. Ladies, we can all feel insecure, but that worm is a liar, you are beautiful just the way you are inside and out, and Daisy Change exists to help you release that and then release your potential.
The events of my story don't really matter, because at the heart of it I was just as insecure as everyone else. I still had the same battles of growing up that every other young woman faces, but we get to choose what we are going to do with those insecurities. Everyone has a story, but our story doesn't have to be our identity.
This blog is my way of making it clear to that little worm that ate away at my confidence, health and even some of what could have been, that it doesn't get to control me anymore because I know who I am in Christ and nothing is going to stop me from shouting His praises. Nothing.
I am not my past, present or future. I am a daughter of the most high king, I am loved, accepted, a part of His family and designed for a purpose only I can do, and so are you. You are breathtakingly beautiful, but most ladies find that hard to believe about ourselves.
I want to see other young woman learn how God sees them and tell their own little worms where to go, knowing they are amazing, because God made them and He doesn't make mistakes.
That in a nut shell is the story behind the blog.
Once you know who you are, you become very dangerous to the darkness in this world, you become unstoppable.
I consider this post foundations laid for the next season that is starting, complete with its new heights and challenges.
Bring it on.