I've made this post skim friendly and if you're like I was too drained to read a long post then here's the bottom line.
Conclusion: The Trans trap is taking care of others to the point you're neglecting your own needs.
Emotional blackmail is NEVER acceptable.
I know that suicide rates are higher in the trans community, but that doesn't mean you're feeling should be ignored. Don't get so lost in taking care of your trans loved one and all the people this news impacts, that you forget that you matter too.
I did that, the results were disastrous. Here's how to not make my mistake.
To start, I don't care if you are LGBT affirming or not, this isn't about your loved one, this is about you because let's be honest, the help that is out there for the family and friends is severely lacking.
I should know, I have a transgender sibling and you know what?
That sucks.
(cue the misguided hate from people who clearly haven't read the whole article)
We live in the age of triggered, so no matter what I say I know I am going to be misunderstood here.
I really don't care anymore.
Also, I know you guys are used to me keeping it clean and classy across my platforms, but authenticity trumps manners.
Sometimes you have to say it how it is, even if you don't like the language coming out of your own mouth. Even ladies are human and need to give in to that sometimes.
I'm not a counsellor/therapist. If you feel you need support go see a professional.
I'm writing purely from experience and hell of a lot of research because I think it sucks that there isn't much real help for the families of transgender individuals.
Pretty much every piece of advice I have been given, read or seen has been about how to affirm or help the person who believes themselves to be transgender.
I'm not a selfish person, but honestly, I'm screaming on the inside what about me?
Do my feelings not matter?
What about my family who now has to deal with all of this?
Let's not pretend there isn't a stigma about all this, especially in the church.
It's not exactly easy to navigate all of the emotions that came with the revelation that my sibling is trans.
On my birthday I may add... (like they had much of a choice, I'm hardly home these days)
That was 3 years ago almost to the day, and my world has changed so much since then.
I am going to be as delicate as I can with this topic, but if you're offended then sorry but it was it is.
I need to have a say and I am aiming to use my ability to write to help the countless people out there with no idea how to word what they are feeling.
I am going to talk about faith in a moment, but first, let's talk about my journey with all of this.
If you want to skip my story skip this next section in green.
So when my sibling came out to me, I was initially pretty accepting of the whole thing. Despite my fervent faith, I decided that if I didn't show love to my sibling, I would lose them.
I was the first person in our family this person had told, and so I felt responsible for handling this as delicately as I could.
So to my sibling's face, I was lovely. I hugged them and acknowledged they trusted me and their bravery in sharing this massive life-changing thing with me.
BUT
I remember offering to get them a bar of chocolate from the local shops just so I could go for a prayer walk and listen to my music.
I cried so much that day, I couldn't even hold the tears back at the supermarket.
It was raining my heart was breaking and I felt like a shell of a person.
My world up until this point included a sibling of a certain gender and I was close to that person...now my sibling was literally telling me that was all a lie and it felt like I had lost the sibling of the gender I knew, and now this opposite gender person who looked liked my sibling and had many of the same mannerisms would replace the person I thought I knew.
Certain personality traits are universal. It's hard to see the person but no matter how much they say they are the same, they just aren't in your eyes. It's a complicated issue that we families of transgender individuals know all too well. Cue THAT SIGH...
I was broken-hearted because I knew that my sibling would have a hard road ahead. I also thought of my conservative Christian parents, and how this would impact them...and oh no what will the church think???
Nothing about this whole thing felt right to me.
I love my sibling and always will,
but the person I knew was basically dead.
I knew I would need to grieve this. I thought that friends and counsellors would understand but I was so so wrong.
Most people these days affirm the person without acknowledging how you, the family member feel about it.
As long as it makes them happy is the mantra of the age.
I SAY SCREW THAT!
Happiness is fleeting, emotions can't be trusted.
We do NOT exist in a vacuum.
Also most counselling really just tells you how to relate to the person and seeks to MAKE you accept it.
They don't word it that way but come on, that's what is really going on.
The last stage of the grief process is acceptance.
Even starting that journey for some feels like betraying who they are because accepting something like transgenderism is not easy.
Back to my story,
I cut my trip home short, claiming that work called me home. ( I then blogged a hell of a lot as soon as I got back here about trending topics so that this wasn't a lie, as I had promised myself I would)
I had promised not to tell our family or anyone in our home town my siblings business, so I had no one that really knew them to talk to, other than my partner...back home in London.
He did his best to help me come to terms with it, but honestly, it's not the same as being a blood relation to someone who is trans.
Outsiders can help to a point, but truthfully some shoes only fit Cinderella - The broken person shoe-horned into a new life, for better or worse.
Then one day about 5 weeks later, I was watching Chariots Of Fire, there is a line in that movie that says God is not a democracy and that just resonated with me on such a deep level, so I wrote my sibling a letter.
I told them how I as a Christian woman felt about their transgenderism. How I was worried for their soul and how I felt like their transitioning made no sense to me because I don't believe God makes mistakes and it felt like a slap in the face to the image of God that my sibling was created in.
They called themselves a believer, how though?
I just couldn't understand this world view like at all. It certainly wasn't the way we were brought up.
It was new and changed the interpretation of scripture and if I could be wrong about this, what else was I wrong about??
As my faith crumbled, I put on a brave face but let me tell you the depression was real.
Jet, my black dog, brought friends I didn't even know he had, to dance on the grave of my clarity.
I was intoxicated by the darkness, yet I still did my best to walk in the light.
I asked a lot of questions and did my best to be balanced and delicate but in the end, I felt so hurt by the whole thing that I told my sibling I love and support them and always will but I can't accept their transgenderism.
We stopped talking after that for 3 months.
That caused even more issues with my faith walk.
None of our family knew why, and even when we did resolve our differences, I still didn't go home for a further 18 months.
That's a long time to be away from your friends family and culture on an unplanned trip.
The worse part being, none of my family knew why until last year when my sibling came out to all of them which meant that I had to field a lot of misguided hurtful statements.
Since then my sibling and I are on good terms, we've met in person and talked on the phone many times.
I have told them that I may not understand all of this, and I am going to need time to come to terms with some of it, as will our family, but I am still their sister. I am always there for them.
Our relationship has changed though.
The bond between sisters is special, as a bond between brothers and the same goes for a brother and sister dynamic.
We relate to our siblings differently, regardless of what society says certain things are staples in each of these relationships, suddenly not having that and then trying to navigate a new relationship with this person is not without its twists and turns.
I've spoken to a lot of members from the LGBTQ+ community and so I feel justified in saying the following things to try to help others like me attempting to navigate your walk with Jesus but still loving your trans relative, if you want to or not. We don't just stop loving them because they are going through this. ( and working through the dark thoughts and emotions that come for us, family members)
Nothing has shaken my faith so much.
That would be because this is such a hot button topic.
Most Christians fall into one of two camps:
1. They affirm the trans member and encourage family and friends to love them, show grace and basically, all you get told to do about your pain is essentially get over it and get in line!!
They say something like...
Give it to Jesus because He loves this person and so should you!
What's left unsaid but so felt, is this means you feel like don't have a right to feel upset about all of this. People in this camp can't see your pain because they are too blinded by the rainbow lights, they call God's love.
#Cuetheshame
2. Then the second group are hard line.
You'll be likely to hear things like...
God made Adam and Eve not Adam and steve.
Man for Woman and visa Versa.
Marriage is strictly between a man and a woman.
Anything else is not only a sin, but apparently a salvation issue.
We the church can't support THOSE FILFY SINNERS!
(so, family member, you have to disown your loved one because they made their choice and are now destined for hell)
Don't go losing your salvation now ya hear??
Get over it and get your eyes on Jesus...oh and the rapture is coming!
Transgenerism only occurs in cursed heathen families, the trans person can't have had a godly upbringing.
Wanna bet??
Seriously these people infuriate me.
Do you have any idea how that makes the families of the trans person feel?
Contrary to popular belief, this DOES go on in families that have been stable and had a firm foundation in Jesus Christ.
Yes, the real one.
Sin and trauma are and hear Me now...
NO RESPECTER OF PERSON.
-It's a sign of the times!
( don't even get me started on rapture fever)
- God is about ready to pour out hellfire and brimstone on the disobedient nations!
Holiness is all that matters.
And where do I stand?
In the middle.
No I am not compromising my faith, and I'm certainly not lukewarm, but I have learned from all my research and experience that both of these camps are actually really similar.
They both are guilty of gaslighting. - Either the Trans person, their loved ones or both.
They are both well-meaning, and here's the kicker....
...They can both back up their position with scripture.
So I'm not going to with mine.
Instead, I am going to tell you my stance and how I came to my decision over the past few years about where I personally stand on this.
In so doing what I want to do is show you how to find the answer to this question for yourself, because the truth is it doesn't matter what the world, the church or even God says on this. You feel things and you need to figure this out yourself, for yourself because that's the only way you will find peace with your loved one's apparent state.
I believe in showing love and grace to LGBTQ+ community but at the same time, I won't deny that the bible does advise against certain things. I know that God as a loving father has a good reason for this.
My issues with LGBTQ+ are all based around the pain it causes.
I don't really care at this point if there is a cure
If my sibling will ever change back
I don't care about the stance people take, especially in the church on either side.
That is truly between them and God.
Besides, it's too damn painful to care anymore!
I truly had to let go and let God.
Is this a salvation issue?
We are not God, our interpretation no matter how well-meaning will be tainted by our world view.
Some say it is and others say it's not.
The fruit is what really matters in my opinion.
What I do care about is the fact that the pain that people impacted by LGBTQ+ experience is very real and should be acknowledged and treated with respect on all sides.
Even if we don't agree with our loved one's decision, we should still show them enough respect to acknowledge the story they are telling themselves.
It doesn't matter if they really are trans or not, they think they are and therefore we should respect that.
That said the trans community would do well to consider the feelings of the loved ones left reeling from this revelation.
It's not easy, let's not pretend it is.
You as the family member of a trans person have the right to accept it or not, and if you choose not, then they should respect that. There are consequences to every action.
You have the right to grieve in your own way, and you have the right to set healthy boundaries that are respectful to both parties.
You might be wondering why the decision of my sibling had such a profound impact on me.
Well, my sibling's news changed how I see God.
That's really the crux of the matter, the main reason people have a hard time accepting the fact they have a transgender loved one has way more to do with their own world view.
In my case, I didn't believe God made mistakes.
I did believe God was sovereign.
I took the bible as well...gospel and never, ever thought that especially after being raped and clawing back my ability to trust again, that this loving God I served would allow another trauma like that into my life again.
Sure I expected hard times, but I've been through a hell of a lot, I thought I was done with the really, really tough stuff. After all, the message from the pulpit pretty much implies exactly that.
I trusted God not to drop me
and here I was, convinced I was sinking!
Also, my sibling was really good at hiding their trans feelings right up to the point they came out....and they called themselves a Christian. I couldn't see how this worked.
I felt betrayed by God.
Completely lost.
I was dealing with all of this emotional garbage on the inside and I was angry to be going through yet another trauma in my life.
I was thrown into a turmoil on the inside that seeped into my entire world and eventually led to me being so drunk on grief I made some really dumb decisions. I got duped by so-called good and even Godly people and ended up empty, with a broken spirit and an empty bank account.
( that how I lost my domain name for Daisy Change, sorry guys I dropped the ball)
Yet that its all fine mask, that most Londoners wear was well and truly fastened to my face.
Let's make a cup of Twinings tea,
this is getting a little intense, let me change the mood.
Fancy a Mcvities biscuit?
Anyways, the point is my faith was shattered by all of this. I have an up and coming post about that so I won't say much more.
The point I want to make is feeling lost leads searching for answers and so I looked into so many different topics, desperately wanting to figure out how to respond to my loved one and help my family, but also really I had no clue who I was without my faith.
So how to do you start to deal with the pain of having a transgender loved one??
1. By being honest about how you really feel,
and then go look for answers.
If you are mad at God, tell Him so.
At least you are still talking to Him.
Keep talking to Him, or if you like me feel failed by God the father.
Talk to His Son instead.
I once told Jesus I loved Him but I was mad at His father.
In time, that pain healed.
I learned more about my faith and myself through these not so great seasons than I ever did in a good place with God.
That said I wouldn't wish the painful journey to find my faith again on anyone.
2. Keep getting up every morning, and let time do its thing.
It's okay not to be okay.
It's okay to love your transperson but also secretly really wish they weren't trans'/ were dead because the definitive nature of death is easier to understand than whatever the hell this is.
3. It's okay to feel like however, you feel, but remember not all feelings should be acted upon.
I know it's asking a lot but your future self will be grateful if you can exercise self-control when you're having one of you're why the hell do you have to put us all through this pain you selfish little pig; moments
Journaling can help.
So can music.
The Daisy Change method for change management will also be a useful tool, but really there is no right or wrong way to handle this. ( Just keep it legal)
Your walk with God is just that and loved one is someone you thought you knew, and still sort of do.
You know how best to handle them.
No one should ever be forced to bottle their feelings up, so they had to true to who they believe themselves to be in the end, but you get to walk your own path.
Even if we don't like or understand it, it's human to need to be known and hopefully loved for who we believe we are.
4. Don't blame your loved one for this.
They have enough to deal with as is. Gender dysphoria is confusing, painful and you're loved on is likely to be feeling extremely lost and lonely right now.
I know it's not fair but they need you if they won't admit it.
We may choose who we marry but we don't choose our family so for better or worse, this will be easier on everyone involved if the family sticks together, and loves each other, especially the unlovely parts. Your family member may also be a victim of some sort of abuse, Many in the trans community are. Also, note that just because your loved ones is trans that doesn't mean they are ready to talk about their sexual orientation. They may be gay, but they may not and that is a conversation to have on their terms. It's best to let them come to you in their own time. I know it's asking a lot but patience really is a virtue.
5. Take care of of your loved one and family best you can, but please don't neglect your own needs.
You are going to be okay, and no matter how tattered your faith may feel right now, even that can be restored.
Just trust the Shepherd, He's taller than us, He sees way down the road before we ever think of it, and He will lead you to safety. It just doesn't always happen the way we think it should.
Not even sure there is a God?
6. Keep searching for answers.
Better yet keep searching for God...... The real one, not the one you thought you knew.
None of exists in a vacuum and like it or not this decision of our loved ones impacts us. What many don't think of is the fact that not everyone will understand this siblings decision, and unfortunately for us siblings, we have to face the reality that our partners and their family may not accept this.
There are even cases where couples break up because one of the parties doesn't want to be associated with the other crazy family.
There are so many unintended consequences to this whole thing. That is why I firmly believe that transitioning is not the quick fix advertised and therefore should be the last case scenario because of the impact on all parties involved is intense. I say that not to guilt-trip anyone. but just to give you all the facts I can. So go searching for all the answers you need to figure out what your own life looks like now. You need to feel comfortable in your own skin.
The best thing you can do for yourself right now is learn to love the truth, but be balanced enough to keep leading the joy life.
7. Breath.
No seriously, breath.
You will be okay.
This is a season of your life but you won't always feel like this.
Maybe this post I wrote a while back may help.
AS they say to the LGBTQ community, it gets better.
That about covers all I want to say.
Questions and commnets are appreiciated.
