Hey guys, its been a hot minute since I've even been myself in person, let alone online! 😒

I know that isn't really something one is suppose to admit but alas turns out I really don't care about how I am perceived. 😎

I am what I am, but always in Gods plan. 

Anyway, I don't know about you, but I'm so done being depressed and pandering to the whims of this pandemic the world is facing right now. 

You may think I'm talking about Covid..

 Nope. 

I'm talking about the pink elephant in the room over there eating peanut cookies. (and Lambi's Jaffacakes, she isn't amused.)

I'm talking about the pandemic of the pain of being stuck on stuck. 

That is what it is, none of us can change what has happened. We just have to move forward now, but that's hard when we are so unsure if things are going to ever get back to normal. 

We all know that alot of pain in a lot of difference areas has been experienced by people all over the world. 

The big thing that unites us however, is that we are all in many ways stuck in between limbo, start and no. 

The world has never been so collectively stuck with uncertain timetables because we have to be.

The thing is though, although it doesn't feel like it, this is only a season. 

This too shall pass.

The world will be built back better, because nothing is ever wasted with God. Nothing. 

Rest in that. 

Before the pandemic, I built my career on being the authority on the art of change management. 

The fact of the matter is though, few of us have ever experienced a change quite like the dominos currently falling one after another leaving our whole world in a pretty big mess that is Covid. 

It's bigger than any of us, and so the content that comes out from me in regards how we navigate this change, (because, yes my friend I am still aiming to be the worlds expert on the topic of change so I can help you get back to your art) needs to be authentically awesome, full of life and actually work! 

It is for this reason, that I have decided to tell you what has been going on with me, and then to talk a massive step back over Summer while I figure out the direction I want to take this blog.

After all, I live to firstly worship and glorify God with my work and secondly to bring joy to the world through the many methods of dealing with change that I have learnt through the challenges life has presented me.

Hayley does NOT do hypocrisy

I think there is a big difference between arrogance and confidence and so let me clear, I see it as a privilege to serve you, but I am confident through Christ that this is my calling. 

That said, let me just briefly tell you how the current world situation has impacted me. 

We are switching directions now

I have to be clear about what happened, because accountability to not go there again is so important. 

So then, I admit it guys I'm a bit of a prodigal daughter. I have been grappling for so long now with some of the darker undertones in my sinful flesh nature. 

See, I have had this dark secret for quite some time now, truth is once up on a decade ago, I fell in love with the devil. 

Not exactly what a good Christian girl is suppose to do, but it's my reality, it is my past and I need to own it now, because here and now, and forever more I choose Jesus. 

First, last always. 

Anyway back to my story...

Satan always knows our door, and as much I hate to admit it, mine was a boy or rather the dark world of all things occult and outrageous he introduced me to. 

I've always had a wild strike in me, this is where it was truly awakened.

It's taken this long to lock the monster in the missionary in the abyss of my soul. Its safe with Jesus where the beast can no longer rise and lead me to the kind of devastation that was the results of even touching that poison apple. 

See truth is, we all have a dark side and it's not something we can just pray away, we have to be honest about where we are and Jesus can take it. 

He actually wants our crazy, because it's only when we are truly honest about ourselves that we can begin the sanctification journey to be saved from ourselves. 

So for the past while, I have been going through that process of sanctification, and finally now feel confident enough to say that I'm healed enough to get back to work. 

You really can't speak in  to issues surrounding what you haven't yourself conquered. 

It has been a brutal battle to get my brain back. My demons are beat, my pride is pretty much hanging by a thread but at long last, I'm ready to get started with the next chapter of my life. 

I officially surrender to the call. 

 I have to make it really clear here and now, that kind of depression, confusion, and just sense of formlessness is never and I mean NEVER taking me down again. 

I have eyes only for Jesus now. He is my everything.

Not to be dramatic, but I live and die for him only.   

Once I've written it publically, I have this thing in me that takes that as accountability to step and do what must be done. What Jesus would have me do. 

Emotions don't get to speak when my morals have already spoken. 

So then, truth time.

I am a melancholic, goth at heart with a very, very big heart for Jesus and  people, and a need to be authentically joyful despite my darker side. 

For the longest time, I struggled to marry together my gothic side with my joyful, fun and free spirit. 

So for the past how ever long its been, that is what I have been working on. 

It required a lot of self reflection and refinement but finally I have reached a state of rest and serenity with it all. 

 Now my next step is to write some lovely content for you lot!! 

Haha in all seriousness, it is the Summer, I have so much work to do and school is out, so I think for now, I'm going to have to love you and leave you. 

This post was a bit of a different one, I literally only wrote it for the people that were following my work pre-pandemic. 

You will notice I only currently have two blog posts published. 

That is by design.

I think both posts perfectly sum up where my heart and head is at right now.

I have to tell you, it's so good to be back! 

I am so excited to get started on what I am sure will be a very bright future for all of us despite the darkness out there. 

Hope is rising. 

People can't steal your light unless you let them, and so for me it's time to shine bright.

Right that's about it I think. I'm off to rescue some Jaffa cakes for Lambi! 

Catch you in September,

Dear "socially acceptable blogging etiquette"

This isn't working I think we need to break up.

 Straight off the bat, I expect to be misunderstood here and that is fine, if you get triggered by this good. That tells me I hit a nerve and maybe at some point when you are ready, it will make you think about your own eternal state. 

As for mine?

Well... If you had asked me at any point before 2018, I would have told you I will be a Christian until my dying day, now though I'm not sure that's true.

You see, I have this really pesky problem that has been a driving force since I was small. 

Ready to hear it?

I am now, and always will be in love with the real Jesus, and I'm not sure I see much of what He is about in what we call Modern Christianity. 

I've never really been one to care more for religion, although I can respect it, but I have always been a woman of faith. 

The thing is though, and this has taken a lot for me to come to terms with. I do also have a serious love for all things occult. 

There, if my tittle didn't cause the first run of well meaning, but extremely religious folk to jump straight to commenting on how I am a "sinner, witch etc.." then that should have done it, or else they are gone now which is even better.

So then, from here on in, I am going to have to assume that you, the person reading my work right now is someone with a least a little understanding of what basic Christianity is about, that you are someone with the ability to respect other people's opinions until you have heard them out, and that you know that life is not all black and  white. 

Also, I would imagine that those that know me, will likely be surprised by the revelation that I am no longer a Christian, after all I have been so fiercely protective of my faith my entire life and very vocal about it, in my work.

With all of that said, I just want to jump straight into this, I have a lot to unpack here and not a lot of time to do it, so I need to get moving.

Right so, let's begin.

I've always been very open about my past, and shared my testimony many times, so I won't go into too much detail, but I was born into a Christian family, I gave my life to Jesus at just 3 and I grew up in the faith, when I was a teenager and trauma found me, I briefly had a stint of struggle in said faith but eventually realised that the only one that would ever be there for me is Jesus. 

I was always very balanced, happy to hear other people out on their view points, but still equally as strong in my own faith. I was a woman of values, I bought into the true love waits, straight edge, let's win the world for Jesus mentality, but I still had interests and a life outside of my faith activities. 

Sounds like I was pretty typical of the average Christian girl  right?

Yet I'm now saying that I am in love with in the occult and renouncing my former faith. 

So what happened?

Well, you may think that I just got twisted by life, and you would be right to think that all of the trauma I have very openly talked about in my work has been a factor but honestly, I am not your typical camper and all the trauma did with anything is throw me even further in to the arms of Christ. 

It is also through said trauma that I learnt to master the art of change management, and without all that pain this blog would likely not exist. 

 I am by  nature a woman with a big heart, I don't say a lot to the people in my life but there is a lot going on behind by sky blue eyes that will get the truth out of you.

I write a lot, I think a lot and music is my manna and my mayhem! 

I am very comfortable with the pure sweet and innocent persona that I have created for myself,  but I am now at a point in my life where I think I have to smash it to bits. 

The only way  I know to do that is with the truth, and so here it is. 

I renouncing my former faith because it was fake.  

I thought it was real but upon further inspection and understanding of how the world really works, I think I must say good bye to the Jesus I once knew because He is not at all the son of God...at least not the way you would think. 

The Jesus I now serve is one that is pro agency, pro authenticity and pro change. 

The rigid rules of the Jesus I served previously led me to turn my faith into an idol, and the real Jesus won't have that. 

I have always been in love with the pursuit of the truth and so despite what others tell me, I have always been one to seek out the origins of all things myself, and to way up all sides of an argument before making up my own mind. 

Now I know some well meaning Christians will tell me to get back to reading my bible because it is the ultimate authority of God. 

Honey please! I know my bible inside out and believe it or not it is my knowledge of the word that has led me to the position I am now in.

Since though, I know the likely hood of any Christian understanding where I am coming from here without the use of the scriptures, let's look a few that led me here, now. 

Matthew 16:4

A wicked and adulterous generation seeks after a sign, and no sign shall be given to it except the sign of the prophet Jonah.” And He left them and departed.

They very fact that the so called church can't see that the sign on Jonah is currently in action, and that they are willingly rolling over and showing their bellies to the powers that be without question, is shocking to me. I'm not going to go into too much detail here, but the real Jesus doesn't call the currently pandemic the name it has been given by men.

It is called The JONAH Virus.  I am intentionally not breaking it down here because only those with eyes to see will come back and here and actually here me out after the revelations that will follow in the next few posts, which by the way will be happening all week. 

The Hayley you knew is dead. It's time to come out of the broom closet...

Ah..stop Hayls you are  getting a head of yourself.

Right sorry, back to the scripture thing. 

Ok so I gave you my first reason with a scripture, I will give you two more. This blog after all is called, Daisy Change Braids. 

So then let's braid a perfect scripter infused wedding ring of a dark braid that locks me into my fate from here on in, and very obviously reveals the true nature of the choker around my neck. 

Scripture 2. 

Revelation 3:15-19

New International Version

I decided a long time ago that I would be on fire for the real Jesus no matter what happened, so when I found that my Jesus has left the church, I have no choice but to follow Him and that means renouncing the fake. 

So then quick recap, 

My two scriptural reasons for renouncing my former faith are firstly sign of Jonah is in action, people can't see it, this breaks my heart, and secondly because I am on fire for the real Jesus. 

Okay third scripture. 

2 Thessalonians 9 -12

9 The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with how Satan works. He will use all sorts of displays of power through signs and wonders that serve the lie, 10 and all the ways that wickedness deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. 11 For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie 12 and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness.

I knew this, I grew up being so determined to love the truth so's not to be deceived and yet....I still was. 

The truth is, I figured out who the man of lawlessness is, and since I believe that compassion not communication is the true heart behind evangelism, I decided to try to reach Him because it is not the will of God that anyone perish. My convictions, were pure and so were my motives, but honestly this was not the smart thing to do. 

The thing is though the church led me to that decision, and so did my former Jesus. That Jesus wants full surrender, solider of the Lord mentality and honestly although He claims to be about love and "the will of the Father" I had to question which "father" that Jesus served. 

Could it be possible that the man of lawlessness, was the Jesus of the Morden Church? 

Had I fallen in love with the devil in disguise? 

This naturally led me on a long journey to figure out the truth, see I still believed that if there was a fake Jesus running around then then real one must be around here somewhere. So then I set out on a mission to give my entire life to finding the real Jesus so that the gospel of the kingdom could be preached to all and the kingdom of God be revealed on earth.

After much, turmoil I did find the real Jesus, and He is so different from the narrative I was taught growing up, but so consistent with the character of the God I have served all these years.  

Don't get me wrong, I know the bible is true. The gospel, even if in a different way then expected. 

The Jesus I know is quite frankly the love of my life! 

The core difference between the Jesus I thought I knew and the genuine article is that my Jesus is very comfortable with us thinking for ourselves, practicing self defence in all it's forms, and being authentic.

This is the Jesus after the cross, and that experience  has changed him. I know God doesn't change, but the humanity of Jesus did. 

Did you really think that He would become sin for us, as both man and God and that it wouldn't impact the kind of king He would become?

He was a man like us, He understood emotion, pain and trauma, and then He went through the most traumatic event that anyone ever could and you're telling me that didn't change how he feels about humanity? 

Sure, He is wonderful, benevolent and all the things the bible says that He is, but also He gets our pain on a level that none of us ever really think about. 

Then it hit me, I suddenly had a revelation of where the real Jesus was and what He needed to fulfil the plan of the Father. 

So it is now my honor to give Him what he needs. I was always told growing up that before I was born that my mother was told by Jesus that I would be His witness, and through out my life, I had been. I have had the honor of seeing Him in a way that few get to. I have witnessed His black, his white and and red and I love each and every side of Him equally. 

So to reiterate, to my precious Jesus. 

I love you final answer. 

So that pretty much sums up why I am doing this. 

After all that He has done and shown me, it's my turn to show the kind of woman that I am. 

Here's to the treasures of darkness, I'm about to walk the plank. 

My Jesus requires authenticity, He isn't afraid of our trauma, pain or sin. He's more than capable of meeting us where we at and leading us to where we are suppose to be. He is both pure fire and gentle water.

He is the way the truth and the life, but he really, really understands the kingdom of darkness.

It is for that reason that I made it my business to do the same. 

I have always had a fascination with the occult, but grappled with the darkness in my soul for a long time. 

Now at last it's time to admit to the truth...

I am the woman in the chair, but A life without my Jesus isn't worth it, and it's time for me to go home. 

 Potent Poetry

This post has been a long time coming, only I didn't know it.

I'm a woman of faith, its time to show it.

Sure I could do more actions to back words I have preached my whole life,

But the truth is, following Jesus shouldn't cut like a knife.

I know this is highly odd and out of the blue,

but old actions don't make the world new. 

A journey that has literally been thorns and stones. 

Still at long last, in my heart I am coming home.

I choose you Jesus, no words needed you already paid the price. 

Even if it costs me my life, right is right. 

I need to be rescued from this dark light.

This black, red and white pony show must end tonight.

I give you all the glory, and all of the praise.

I choose to live for you, for all of my days.

So then enough dagger and cloak.

Fear shut up, this is no time to croak..

Sometimes faith requires reason take the back seat. 

See I'm extremely calculated, but still I choose to live on my knees.

All for the sake of my king, Father have your way please.

You hold the pen that scripted my life, and how beautiful is this love story.

So to you dear Jesus, I give all the glory. 

- Hayley Esther 2021 

I could give this much more explanation then I'm going to, but simply put, I need to be clear about priorities before getting back to working on this blog the way I want to. 

Let's just say the pandemic has left its mark on me and I'm not exactly sure its clear where my allegiance lies. 

With that in mind, this is my very public declaration that I do now, and forever will belong to God most high. 

Life has taken some strange turns these past few years, but at the core of my heart, I'm still a believer.

I'm so not feeling like myself right now, and honestly this blog is so far from ready for publishing, but I feel like its well over due for me to put my stake in the ground. There are so many reasons why I should wait until this blog is where I want it to be, but sometimes it is necessary to take a stand for where you stand. 

That's literally all this is, I definitely have much better content planned in time but right now I've said what I came to say. 

From here on on,  Jesus have your way

Ode To The Ex

Oh you special little snowflake please! 

Do you really think I have time for that?

I'm living life in the fast lane, and nothing you say can change the facts!

I stand for something, so falling for stupid little schemes is just not part of the deal.

You may have had me wrapped around your finger once up on a time,

But nothing you say can draw me back to such an empty life, it's a trap!

There's a way out, I found it, but it cost me all I had.

To turn my back on that would just be super sad.

So let's just not shall we?

Do your thing, but count me out.

I have no need for your secrets, I have enough of my own.

I can't be bought, I'm already owned.

My boss is hidden in plain sight.

I was born to be a light. 

I know your petty enough to take my rejection as an invitation to start a war, but you see I'm on the winning side. 

So bring it on babe, don't you know I don't scare easily.

Don't you dare take that as permission!

I know who I am and I've got my mission.

I'm on level.

You are such a devil!

If love is a battlefield, I'm a captain lost without any hope of rescue,

But I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Don't bother replying. 

You're words are of no validation.

There is nothing you can offer me in all of creation.

So in conclusion,

It's all so very black and white.

I'm flattered by your invite, but here's where we part ways.

It's the best decision I ever made. 

Thanks but no thanks, 

I don't have to blink on this.

Leave now, you won't be missed.

If you stick around you will just became a reluctant witness. 

Even if it costs me my life, I can handle my own business. 

Copyright Hayley Esther 31 . 05. 2021 

Is it possible to be drunk on shame?

Is it possible to be so lost in consequence, 

You no longer care of fortune and fame?

Picked to bits, but painted and polite.

Lost in the darkness, but shining bright.

How is this even right?

An invisible gag catches all these thoughts,

And I'm scripted for this roll. I'm bought.

I have to remember my training, 

Do only what I'm taught.

No time for free, I'm too busy being me.

I'm a queen of pain, 

Barely sane.

How is this my life?

I'm, a double in a single, it causes so much turmoil and strife. 

Don't even get me started on the rituals and rules! 

I sincerely think the alleged smart man that invented this is a fool! 

A word to those that think themselves wise,

Don't let the light trick your eyes. 

I'm, just about done with all this delusion. 

I've got nothing to loose, so screw the illusion!

The way darkness dies is by dragging it to holy light. 

Yep that's right,

I'm not the person you thought. 

So what!

Tell me someone in this world that is?

So then good bye Mr confusion. 

I've found a much better solution.

Jesus I choose you.

So please, be my next step show me what to do.

Copyright Hayley Esther 30 March 2021

Just...

I don't want to write right now, but the boss says I must,

So I gotta make this work somehow.

I honestly don't feel like I'm even here. 

Yet somehow, my heart is full of human things, like doubt, anguish and  fear. 

I look flawless, the camera lies. 

And with every little secret, part of my soul dies. 

I started out so bright. 

Living in the light.

Trying to do all I can to live right.

But the day was a long time ago. 

I'm lost, in limbo in the night. 

At this point, why even fight?

I only hope God really is in the forgiving business. 

But after all I've done and seen, how?

So when you see me smile and act like all is well.

Please know I am living my own personal hell. 

I was blinded by the light. 

It appeared so pure and beautiful, so sparkling white. 

Then the boss introduced me to blue.

Can I please change my shoes? 

This path is not a good fit. 

I feel like I'm drowning, but  breathing, how is this real?

I gave my life to Jesus so long ago.

So God, I cry out from the depths of the darkness of my soul. 

Does sealed, really mean sealed?

Can you take a broken mess like me?

Can I be healed?

Then unexpectedly, I see his smile..

But I know not to trust as first glance. 

Too much unspoken and unhealed. 

So then if you are who you say you are.

Send me a miracle, I need to know I've not fallen too far.

Copyright Hayley Esther 23.3.21