Letters To Life - Canceling Shocktober because Cap Still Rocks.

Dear life,

It's been a while since I have written to you, but honestly you have been teaching me so many lessons in recent years, I thought it was about time I write to you.

So then, let's skip the small talk and get straight down to it. 

Emotions don't get to speak when my morals have already spoken.

I am a woman of my word. 

I will stand by that for the rest of my life.

 I'm honestly not impressed with the narratives and choices you have presented me with about what my life is suppose to be and how things really work... or maybe I am. 

You will never know, because I was right before, giving up my voice was the best choice I ever made, I was so right it is much better than having it stolen.

Should have stuck to my guns. Lesson learnt.

Also thanks again for reminding me why I spent so many years guarding my heart.

I know in recent months I forgot certain important truths but right on cue, you gave me lemons and woke me up.

I was lost, but now I am found where I fell and just in time for the anniversary of the most important commitment I ever made.

As you know, ten years ago today I got baptised and rededicated my life to Jesus Christ.

This came after stupid teenage drama that I am sorry to say, I was stupid enough to repeat in recent years.

So juvenile and so not the person I want to be.

Who I am most defiantly hates who I have been.

For reasons we both know I no longer give a damn about, I lost myself in wonderland, or maybe I chose to fall down the rabbit hole this time for reasons again, you will never know.

I will tell you this,

I had the best of intentions, but despite that, got completely deluded while chasing ghosts, when I should have been relying whole heartily on the only thing to never let me down.

I'm not stupid enough to state what it is. Everyone has their thing, I can pretty much guarantee this is a secret I will keep forever.

Anyway,

Actions speak louder than words. Fruits reveal our roots.

You will see by the way I choose to live moving forward where I eventually landed after all of your lessons up to this point.

What I will state once again because it remains as true as the day I said it is that Captain America still rocks.

Click here to find out why.

This post was a younger far more naïve me, but even so I stand by the message of this post.

For the past X number of years authenticity has been incredibly important to me, but honestly I intentionally built change in to my blog because the authentic me doesn't want you to see her, but sometimes she does.

Change is my first love.

Only those closest to me know the real me, and honestly that girl doesn't have any attachment to this day, even though she really thought she would.

My faith, if I even have any at this point, is never going to show up in my public work again.

As far as anyone knows, I'm allegedly a Christian but honestly at this point, I could be an atheist, a witch or something else unexpected.

Again you will never know.

I believe what I believe and I choose to keep whatever faith/religion/spirituality I have out of my work, so no more need be said.

Whatever I have or haven't done, its all valid. I have no regrets.

Life you are kind of amazing at teaching unexpected lessons at every turn. Sometimes you can be a little tough, but I am grateful to be where I am.

Its surprising how you do things sometimes, but just a note on something that did happen back in two thousand and eleven. 

That was connected to said baptism because my baptism was a repentance. I was so religious back then.

I only have one statement from that time because I need to make this perfectly clear once and for all.

I dodged a bullet, because you sent me an angel in disguise. 

Bringing this full circle when people get baptised they die with Christ.

Thing is though, death really isn't the end and it's honestly nothing romantic or fun about being dead.

Its the raised out of the water to abundant life that is suppose to be the selling point of baptism.

People can change their minds though.

I was baptised ten years ago today but only I know if I actually meant what I did.

Joy is the lifestyle, not just the love style and beyond that I really don't have anything else to say. 

The past is the past, I can do nothing about it good or bad.

I'm honestly over it.

All of it.

I have people and things in my life that do make me smile, and I rather cherish whatever time I have left in this life, rather than dwell on dead daisies.

Life goes on.

It's time to walk it off. 

Thanks for the lessons life, I'm not sure I ever intend to publicly write to you again, but I guess I should thank you for doing right by me even when I didn't understand it. 

Sometimes your most painful lessons are blessings in disguise and sometimes said blessings are hidden in bitter sweet celebrations, which is what today is for me. 

Even if I am not a woman of faith now, I am glad of the experience and sincerely grateful to be where I am right now.  

Maybe this is just a refusal of the call, only time will tell but honestly I'm content, everything happened exactly as it was suppose to. 

You knew best. I feel like this wasn't my best letter but honestly I need to draw a very clear line here and move on. 

Guess it is true what they say, the truth really does set us free. 

Enough said. 

Authentic Faith - Shocktober It is then.. (Quick Update)

Hey guys,

I've given this a lot of thought and I know I said in my last post I would likely be back here regularly in September, but to be completely honest I've been working on a top secret month long project and I feel like my focus really should be on that project. 

I've never been a huge fan of Halloween, in fact as a teenager I would actively dress in "normal clothes" on Halloween because that was my protest.  (I was a goth the rest of the year)

With that said, October is a very special month for me and this one more so than most because ten years ago in October I made a life altering decision that I think I'm ready to break my silence on..

For a lack of a better way of putting it, it's time to come out of the broom closet. (It's not what it sounds like you will see)

You see I'm pretty set on the direction of this blog, and indeed the direction of all my projects connected to it. 

The one thing I have to do before I can pull the trigger and go all in with the divine plan that I believe God has given me for this blog, I have to lay the ground work. 

I'm basically done with the pastel thing, this is going to be big change, but honestly I always knew that it could be a possibility I may want to  rebrand over time. 

I guess we are there now. 

Anyway that's about it for now.

Catch you next time! 

xXx 

Authentic Faith: Back From The Dead But Not Back Yet...(Taking A Break for Summer To Rebrand)

Hey guys, its been a hot minute since I've even been myself in person, let alone online! 😒

I know that isn't really something one is suppose to admit but alas turns out I really don't care about how I am perceived. 😎

I am what I am, but always in Gods plan. 

Anyway, I don't know about you, but I'm so done being depressed and pandering to the whims of this pandemic the world is facing right now. 

You may think I'm talking about Covid..

 Nope. 

I'm talking about the pink elephant in the room over there eating peanut cookies. (and Lambi's Jaffacakes, she isn't amused.)

I'm talking about the pandemic of the pain of being stuck on stuck. 

That is what it is, none of us can change what has happened. We just have to move forward now, but that's hard when we are so unsure if things are going to ever get back to normal. 

We all know that alot of pain in a lot of difference areas has been experienced by people all over the world. 

The big thing that unites us however, is that we are all in many ways stuck in between limbo, start and no. 

The world has never been so collectively stuck with uncertain timetables because we have to be.

The thing is though, although it doesn't feel like it, this is only a season. 

This too shall pass.

The world will be built back better, because nothing is ever wasted with God. Nothing. 

Rest in that. 

Before the pandemic, I built my career on being the authority on the art of change management. 

The fact of the matter is though, few of us have ever experienced a change quite like the dominos currently falling one after another leaving our whole world in a pretty big mess that is Covid. 

It's bigger than any of us, and so the content that comes out from me in regards how we navigate this change, (because, yes my friend I am still aiming to be the worlds expert on the topic of change so I can help you get back to your art) needs to be authentically awesome, full of life and actually work! 

It is for this reason, that I have decided to tell you what has been going on with me, and then to talk a massive step back over Summer while I figure out the direction I want to take this blog.

After all, I live to firstly worship and glorify God with my work and secondly to bring joy to the world through the many methods of dealing with change that I have learnt through the challenges life has presented me.

Hayley does NOT do hypocrisy

I think there is a big difference between arrogance and confidence and so let me clear, I see it as a privilege to serve you, but I am confident through Christ that this is my calling. 

That said, let me just briefly tell you how the current world situation has impacted me. 

We are switching directions now

I have to be clear about what happened, because accountability to not go there again is so important. 

So then, I admit it guys I'm a bit of a prodigal daughter. I have been grappling for so long now with some of the darker undertones in my sinful flesh nature. 

See, I have had this dark secret for quite some time now, truth is once up on a decade ago, I fell in love with the devil. 

Not exactly what a good Christian girl is suppose to do, but it's my reality, it is my past and I need to own it now, because here and now, and forever more I choose Jesus. 

First, last always. 

Anyway back to my story...

Satan always knows our door, and as much I hate to admit it, mine was a boy or rather the dark world of all things occult and outrageous he introduced me to. 

I've always had a wild strike in me, this is where it was truly awakened.

It's taken this long to lock the monster in the missionary in the abyss of my soul. Its safe with Jesus where the beast can no longer rise and lead me to the kind of devastation that was the results of even touching that poison apple. 

See truth is, we all have a dark side and it's not something we can just pray away, we have to be honest about where we are and Jesus can take it. 

He actually wants our crazy, because it's only when we are truly honest about ourselves that we can begin the sanctification journey to be saved from ourselves. 

So for the past while, I have been going through that process of sanctification, and finally now feel confident enough to say that I'm healed enough to get back to work. 

You really can't speak in  to issues surrounding what you haven't yourself conquered. 

It has been a brutal battle to get my brain back. My demons are beat, my pride is pretty much hanging by a thread but at long last, I'm ready to get started with the next chapter of my life. 

I officially surrender to the call. 

 I have to make it really clear here and now, that kind of depression, confusion, and just sense of formlessness is never and I mean NEVER taking me down again. 

I have eyes only for Jesus now. He is my everything.

Not to be dramatic, but I live and die for him only.   

Once I've written it publically, I have this thing in me that takes that as accountability to step and do what must be done. What Jesus would have me do. 

Emotions don't get to speak when my morals have already spoken. 

So then, truth time.

I am a melancholic, goth at heart with a very, very big heart for Jesus and  people, and a need to be authentically joyful despite my darker side. 

For the longest time, I struggled to marry together my gothic side with my joyful, fun and free spirit. 

So for the past how ever long its been, that is what I have been working on. 

It required a lot of self reflection and refinement but finally I have reached a state of rest and serenity with it all. 

 Now my next step is to write some lovely content for you lot!! 

Haha in all seriousness, it is the Summer, I have so much work to do and school is out, so I think for now, I'm going to have to love you and leave you. 

This post was a bit of a different one, I literally only wrote it for the people that were following my work pre-pandemic. 

You will notice I only currently have two blog posts published. 

That is by design.

I think both posts perfectly sum up where my heart and head is at right now.

I have to tell you, it's so good to be back! 

I am so excited to get started on what I am sure will be a very bright future for all of us despite the darkness out there. 

Hope is rising. 

People can't steal your light unless you let them, and so for me it's time to shine bright.

Right that's about it I think. I'm off to rescue some Jaffa cakes for Lambi! 

Catch you in September,

How I Nearly Became A Me Too Blogger (and why I'm not)

Dear "socially acceptable blogging etiquette"

This isn't working I think we need to break up.

I know you have a lot to offer with your sponsorship's and other opportunities be they financial or otherwise,  but the thing of  it is,  being with you has caused me to lose myself and that is something I'm just not okay with, like at all. Not even a little bit.

Compromising on what I stand for has never been an option for me and yet because I got lost in your ever-climbing stats  and shiny monochrome template, I somehow forget that.

 I forget that I have been brought up to stand away from the crowd even if that does mean standing alone.(if said crowd is going in a direction I don't want for myself)

I've learned a lot about myself during our time together and I have no doubt that there is someone out there perfect for you, but it's just not me.

I know that you like to know in detail why I make the decisions I do, so despite the fact I don't like to pull things apart, I will give you a couple of reasons as for why I want you out of my life.

You drain me. 

Bloggers have to wear so many hats already I don't want to add among other things working myself into the ground to gain a following that quite honestly I don't care about because they are self-interested, and most likely only followed me because they want me to follow back. 

You know what?

 I don't actually care about the numbers. I do care about my readers even if they are small in number.

---

 You stand for everything I hate. 

You know that I've never been the kind of girl to care much for formulas, sure tips to make life easier are great, but generally, I  live by standards that I have vetted and decided are right for me as a person. You stand for making money, which is not a bad thing of its self . 

What is completely wrong though is that making money is your main and sometimes only goal. Readers are nothing more than potential customers and you use them for this goal and then throw them out, unless they are likely to buy from you again.

---

 I  really hate "me too" bloggers!! - The formula of a black and white blog, blogger's picture on the right-hand side, everything uniform everything too professional and the content on said blogs is usually a copy-cat topic about something I couldn't care less about seeing again, aghh!

This just annoys me.

I know I have a simple format too, but I try my hardest to include as much colour as possible.

People that want my loyalty to their work need to produce something unique and interesting, and frankly I'm not interested in seeing the same shallow posts over and over again.

Just No! Please Stop! 

---

You are too controlling and I don't want the pressure blogging is supposed to be fun, and blogs should ooze personality. You pressure people into conformity because the fact is the likelihood of turning a blog into a business (or at least a part of one) without conforming seems nigh on impossible. Or at least you make it seem that way.

This makes absolutely no sense because in the world of business it is called a unique selling point, not a uniform selling point!

You make people feel like they have to be really "professional" in order to be considered worthy of readers, and that is not what blogging was created to be. 

Some people want to blog for fun, and that's okay but you make people like this feel like they are committing some great crime for not wanting to turn their blog into a business of sorts.

Oh and as for new bloggers?

Forget it! You have so many "rules" that new bloggers usually feel really overwhelmed and as a result, a really awesome would-be blogger may not ever get their idea of the ground because they are scared off by your etiquette and unwritten law

You big bully. 

Stop being so damn cold and unfeeling!! 

We all need each other and the little guy might actually have something to say.

---

So there you have it, you are too damn controlling, we have nothing in common and I don't care about what you care about so that is why I'm done with you. 

I will take the lessons you have taught me such as not being so wordy, remembering my grammar and spelling and making sure I share other people's content as well as my own on social media, but I honestly don't think there is anything else you can teach me and I really don't like you so that's it.

I hope you will be very happy with the blogger(s) that decide to conform to your rules and regulations but as for us,

We're done.

Ode To The Ex

Ode To The Ex

Oh you special little snowflake please! 

Do you really think I have time for that?

I'm living life in the fast lane, and nothing you say can change the facts!

I stand for something, so falling for stupid little schemes is just not part of the deal.

You may have had me wrapped around your finger once up on a time,

But nothing you say can draw me back to such an empty life, it's a trap!

There's a way out, I found it, but it cost me all I had.

To turn my back on that would just be super sad.

So let's just not shall we?

Do your thing, but count me out.

I have no need for your secrets, I have enough of my own.

I can't be bought, I'm already owned.

My boss is hidden in plain sight.

I was born to be a light. 

I know your petty enough to take my rejection as an invitation to start a war, but you see I'm on the winning side. 

So bring it on babe, don't you know I don't scare easily.

Don't you dare take that as permission!

I know who I am and I've got my mission.

I'm on level.

You are such a devil!

If love is a battlefield, I'm a captain lost without any hope of rescue,

But I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Don't bother replying. 

You're words are of no validation.

There is nothing you can offer me in all of creation.

So in conclusion,

It's all so very black and white.

I'm flattered by your invite, but here's where we part ways.

It's the best decision I ever made. 

Thanks but no thanks, 

I don't have to blink on this.

Leave now, you won't be missed.

If you stick around you will just became a reluctant witness. 

Even if it costs me my life, I can handle my own business. 

Copyright Hayley Esther 31 . 05. 2021 

Double Mirror

 

Is it possible to be drunk on shame?

Is it possible to be so lost in consequence, 

You no longer care of fortune and fame?

Picked to bits, but painted and polite.

Lost in the darkness, but shining bright.

How is this even right?

An invisible gag catches all these thoughts,

And I'm scripted for this roll. I'm bought.

I have to remember my training, 

Do only what I'm taught.

No time for free, I'm too busy being me.

I'm a queen of pain, 

Barely sane.

How is this my life?

I'm, a double in a single, it causes so much turmoil and strife. 

Don't even get me started on the rituals and rules! 

I sincerely think the alleged smart man that invented this is a fool! 

A word to those that think themselves wise,

Don't let the light trick your eyes. 

I'm, just about done with all this delusion. 

I've got nothing to loose, so screw the illusion!

The way darkness dies is by dragging it to holy light. 

Yep that's right,

I'm not the person you thought. 

So what!

Tell me someone in this world that is?

So then good bye Mr confusion. 

I've found a much better solution.

Jesus I choose you.

So please, be my next step show me what to do.

Copyright Hayley Esther 30 March 2021

Just ...

Just...

I don't want to write right now, but the boss says I must,

So I gotta make this work somehow.

I honestly don't feel like I'm even here. 

Yet somehow, my heart is full of human things, like doubt, anguish and  fear. 

I look flawless, the camera lies. 

And with every little secret, part of my soul dies. 

I started out so bright. 

Living in the light.

Trying to do all I can to live right.

But the day was a long time ago. 

I'm lost, in limbo in the night. 

At this point, why even fight?

I only hope God really is in the forgiving business. 

But after all I've done and seen, how?

So when you see me smile and act like all is well.

Please know I am living my own personal hell. 

I was blinded by the light. 

It appeared so pure and beautiful, so sparkling white. 

Then the boss introduced me to blue.

Can I please change my shoes? 

This path is not a good fit. 

I feel like I'm drowning, but  breathing, how is this real?

I gave my life to Jesus so long ago.

So God, I cry out from the depths of the darkness of my soul. 

Does sealed, really mean sealed?

Can you take a broken mess like me?

Can I be healed?

Then unexpectedly, I see his smile..

But I know not to trust as first glance. 

Too much unspoken and unhealed. 

So then if you are who you say you are.

Send me a miracle, I need to know I've not fallen too far.

Copyright Hayley Esther 23.3.21