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Potential Triggers - Sexual abuse, Depression, Eating Disorders. ( mentioned not explained.)
This post does contain a little faith-based content.
Dear Life,
I can't believe this day has finally arrived! You know the painful journey it has taken to get to this point, but at long last it's finally over. You have no idea how grateful I am to God for this. It makes me so happy I actually want to cry! I am of-course talking about moving day. Not for myself, but for the family member that is moving, this was a long time coming and it will be good for them to move on from the dark shadows of the past. As you know, I lost a family member last year. The grieving process taught me many lessons, but now that my other family member is moving it feels like we actually get to move on, although the person we lost will never be forgotten.
Life you know, I want my blog to be authentic, but at the same time I also like to appear to be strong enough to handle whatever you throw at me, sometimes though life that really just isn't the case. Sometimes life you throw things at me that make me feel like I am wondering in the desert or lost at sea, alone in my screaming pain, darkness and cruel thoughts. I have definitively experienced the dark night of the soul on many occasions. My saving grace during these times always has been and always will be my savior and best friend Jesus, nothing can comfort me quite so well as he does. He is gentle, but safe and I love him so much. He accepts me just as I am and helps me find my feet again. Life, depression can really suck! I don't know why God allows me to walk those dark paths that Jet always get me on, but what I do know is that the light is never more appreciated then when it is breaking into darkness. I see no reason to go into detail, because life you were there you already know, the last 14 years have been incredibly trying. I'm not so naive to think that after today, I will never have to deal with pain again, you take me to good places and bad, and both serve the purpose intended in God's perfect time. I am not afraid of the future life, but I am so relieved to finally let go of the past. That said, I think my story will always be with me, I know that from time to time, I am called up on to tell it because it can help others see there is always hope no matter how dark it may seem. Life you really are full of surprises!
Maybe this will be the last time for a while but let's recap. In the last 14 years you have walked me through depression, an eating disorder, homelessness, anxiety, betrayal, rejection, loss, so much loss. Confusion, fear, insane amounts of pain due to different degrees of sexual abuse and many nasty surprises I really rather forget. Does that cover everything? No, actually it doesn't because you have also walked me though, getting up after failure, many times. Peace,healing, forgiveness, restored innocence,security, grace and love. I know that God is responsible for this, he turned my ashes in to beauty and I know He is ready and willing to do it for anyone that will ask, but the point is life. I am still here and I am done running from the fact that these things happened. If God can ever use my story to help someone else, awesome. If even one line of what I have been through can help someone start or find a little strength to continue fighting for their own healing and wholeness then it is was worth it to be this open and honest, even on such a public platform as my blog.
I know so many people who would tell me to talk about my past here life, is a really bad idea. There is a natural desire in most humans to hide their shortcomings and failings, but you see, my life is not my own and I wouldn't even be here today writing if it were not for God's grace. So therefore I figure, if I'm still here there must be a reason why, and maybe part of that is to tell my story. It's not that I am anyone special ( although we are all special to God) it's just as simple as I have a voice and I am willing to use it. I was only recently reminded that my voice matters and so since I got that reminder I want to use my voice to make a difference, even if it's only in a few people's lives. I want to let the young broken girl, that tries to cover up her pain with makeup, that she is beautiful just the way she is. I want to tell the twenty-something like myself, that the confusion will end one day and you will find your place. I want to tell the depressed soul, to fight to win. Depression and mental illness doesn't have to be your undoing , you can still do amazing things with your life. I have learned so much over the past years life and I know you have much to teach me, but at long last the chapter of my life marked " running in pain and hiding in tears", is finally over and so I guess now I can breathe a sigh of relief before the next battle starts.
Anyway, the phone's ringing so I guess that means it's time to help with the move.
Catch you soon life,
Love Hayley
xXx
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